Hay un amigo en mi...

Well, I've had an interesting weekend. I stayed over at my cousin's house for the weekend. He graduated from high school this year and had a graduation party yesterday. He works a lot and makes decent money for a 17 year old and also has a flexible work schedule. He's probably the cousin I'm closest with. I even went out and had dinner with him and his friends and hung out and stuff. It was kind of awkward because I don't really live in the area and I'm older than them. Seeing him with his friends reminded me of when I had friends I could hang out with.

But anyway. The party was cool and everything. It was at a rec center with a basketball court and some table games, like pool and ping pong. So it was a lot of fun for me because I like to play games. My dad couldn't make it because he has a lot of trouble walking because of his hip. My parents were kind of old when they had me, but it is still hard to see him in pain, though he is going to have replacement surgery. I don't live with my father anymore. He and my mom split 8 years back during the summer. I live with my mom and my sister. I was 13 at the time. I sometimes wonder if I would have turned out better if we had stayed with a family; if I had my father around to guide me. Yes, I got to go see him occasionally, and it could have been worse, but it's still not the same as it was, and it never will be.

So for father's day today, my sister (who never sees him) and I took him out to lunch at a nice restaurant and then saw a movie. The movie was Toy Story 3. I figured it was appropriate because I loved Toy Story as a kid, back when we were a family, and there hasn't been a Toy Story movie in 11 years. I really liked the movie because it showed some of the changes that have happened in the world in the past decade (e.g., laptops, the internet) while still remaining true to the original feelings of the story. It also had the theme of growing up and moving on, a bittersweet experience which I have been feeling the past few years. I thought it was a good idea to do this, and I had all this emotional expectations, basically of seeing my father and my sister interacting for an extended amount of time for the first time in years.

After the movie, which was great for those of us who saw the originals and have grown up with the series, we went home. My dad sat in the front seat as my sister drove my mom's car, and I sat in the back, behind my dad. As we were driving, I started to think about what could have been if things had happened differently for my family. It made me sad, and I cried. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I act tough a lot of the time, but there are things that force me to release my pent up emotion. I recently watched Field of Dreams for the first time in years. When I was younger, I didn't cry watching it because I didn't really understand. But when Doc Graham couldn't return to the field, and when Ray realizes that his father was the one whose pain needed easing, it made me sad because that is a similar situation to how I feel with my father now, like we've grown apart, despite the efforts to stay together.

I don't often act happy or sad, just angry or stoic. When I feel happiness or sadness, it is more real than those other emotions. I've learned that anger and indifference are just masks for my true feelings. Emotion is not something I like showing in front of people, because I start tripping over my words. Acting detached is a defense against being vulnerable. But enough with the psychobabble and the sob story that is my life.

Happy Father's Day. It's nice that we have a day devoted to each parent because while they are different and may vary in their roles, they play an important part in our lives, for better or for worse.